Bear Necessities.

Last night, well, this morning if we are acknowledging the passing of days, I finally sat down in my bed and wrote. It was 1am and I had just finished balling my eyes out. I think that part of the reason I cried so desperately was because I had hadn't had the chance to write for over a week while here at CLOC. I had been thinking and allowing my observations and feelings to flood my overtired brain until they finally claimed my sanity and I broke down into tears.

There has to be a million and half reasons why I was balling last night. One of them had to have been how overtired I was. I am running myself into the ground here. I can feel it in my body but most importantly I can feel it in my soul, the little part of me that needs moments of time to herself to type letters or blog entries, to read, to refresh myself. I've been moving at a pace that is so constructive for how I work but so detrimental to me as a human being. I can feel my ability to support all of my actors slipping between my fingers as the hours of work pile up.

Another reason I was crying is because I am so done with stage management because I feel so lonely. I think that that was the indicator during Peter Pan that I should not be in this field. During that production, I felt the weight of what it meant to be ostracized from the group of people you were working with. As CCM and my real world experiences started to build, the gap between me and the companies grew. And now, with all of that behind me and all of this CLOC stuff in front of me, I feel so alone and I cannot imagine doing this for the rest of my life. You have to be in a role of power and a role of respect and yet you need to be reachable by the people you are working with and yet you need to be working hours that doesn’t allow you to foster any social bonds. Here is where stage management fucks you over. I am way too dramatic and way too much of a softy for this theatrical world. I don’t have the fighting spirit that Heidi does. I cannot ever put the needs of a show in front of the needs of my cast members. At the core of my being as a human, I believe that the most important thing is for people to feel loved and respected. I think that theater tends to prize the product whereas teaching certainly prizes the process. I mean, of course, you have all of these schools that need to have acceptable test scores to keep funding and such but if you are a really good teacher you can get those scores through a process that focuses on the child. I know that this is going to be a very hard career choice and I know that I will make no money but I really, honestly, think that this is where I need to be and what I need to be doing. I need to be a teacher because I want to change the lives of children and make them feel this whole person thing. It’s something that isn’t valued when instilled in adults or people my age. That’s why me as a stage manager wouldn’t carry over into the real, professional world. I am built to work with people that I can make feel warm, fuzzy and loved.

Here I toe that line between professional theater and an opportunity for me to make these friends that I can make feel like real people who are loved and cherished for all of their talents. If nothing else, I love them for who they are and what they do and their happiness and well being will always mean more to me than the quality of the show we put on that god damn stage.

Well, dear CLOC and stage management, this writer is not dead yet. Actually, she just needed some material to stock pile and now she will be back full force. Typing in the middle of the night with no restraints, just flying fingers with absolutely no purpose but to empty this giant pit of emotions that is my brain and conscience.