My Audition Mantra.

I'm jealous of people who have a place to fit in. Lately, I feel like I've been auditioning for a place in the world. I have been walking into all of these different gatherings, with different roles in society, full of a variety of different people and each time I wait to feel the click--the metaphorical click of puzzle pieces into place. Each time, I am playing to a new audience, wearing a carefully thought out and planned out costume to align myself with the show I hope to find myself a part of.

And, yes, I have lived and worked with a slew and a half of actors but I've never understood how much it sucks to audition. You are putting yourself out there in a very vulnerable state after you've worked your ass off and you get rejected. There could be a million reasons why but all you can do is blame yourself and feel like you just aren't good enough.

I've been to the Undergraduate English Society meeting, to Triota (Women's Studies Honors Society), to The Vagina Monologues, to anything and everything and all I want to do is find my people. And maybe that's asking too much so all I want to do is find a place where I click, where I am happy, where I feel like I have purpose.

This state of being lost, in limbo, in pergatory begs too many questions. It leaves me questioning my ability to make real human connection, wondering whether my past has left me utterly defunct to humanity. And as I worry, I recede into myself and my word documents, into my bed and my television, into my own living death. I've been trying to fight it because the tears I've cried have done nothing for me but made me more aware of my underlying sadness. If you've only recently been reading this, you may not believe that once upon a time, I was a happy person.

And thusly, I will continue to audition for my role in life because apparently, no matter what act you come in during, you need to show up and be present. Even if the show is The Vagina Monologues...