Flashback to senior year. I've stage managed most every show my high school did. I stage managed at a community theater for adults and children. I stage managed in Boston at an opera company. I stage managed in New York at a small theater company in the East Village and got hired back. And I'm thinking: "I got this stage management thing down. My paperwork still needs a lot of TLC and I could use to be a little more proactive and professional. Sure, I have stuff to work on and that's what CCM will help with. I just need more experience."
Cut to now. Welcome to CCM, where we are all stripped down to bare essentials. Where prior experiences mean everything to you but nothing to anyone else. Where the only way to prove yourself is by being set up to fail and not doing that. I've accepted that we're in college and no one is going to tell you that you are doing well or to keep your chin up but I didn't expect to be faced with a program that just assumed you aren't talented. Where the only belief in your skills is the one you possess and take ownership for. It took a combination of PAing, crew assignments and lab hours to break me. I can't pin point exactly when it happened or exactly why but I lost faith in myself. The prospect of internships and job opportunities has started to instill fear in me. Was I capable of stage managing still? Would I fail horribly and forget everything I had learned over the past five years? Can I still do this? I've gone from being the girl who took a train to New York City to stage manage with a company of professional adults on a whim to the girl who won't accept her job back at her old community theater because she doesn't think she can handle the production.
I need to start believing myself again before I can convince people here to believe in me.
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now
- Wonderful, Everclear
1. You are an amazing writer. So please please please continue to write.
ReplyDelete2. Painting is my frisbee and I've lost touch with that because of CCM. You have inspired me to find the time to do it.
3. Up in The Air is such a fantastic movie.
4. If you EVER need to talk about this more in depth, I am totally willing and able to talk to you. My next quarter is not as hectic as this one at all.
5. I totally agree with every single blog that you have posted on this subject. CCM wears you out and beats you down and then sees who is left surviving in order to see who they believe is on top of their game. It completely and totally is a set-up-to-fail system with hardly any nurturing atmosphere or acceptance of people's faults. We are expected to come in and know everything which is impossible to do at an institution that is new to you. I hate that you feel like this after such a short time here. People talk all the time about how they are "jaded" but it shouldn't have to be like this. Honestly, all of my internships that I have applied for and gotten an interview for have not been for stage management because this school just wears us out. I agree with Travis that I am also in this business for the people. Because that is truly what our jobs should be about- facilitating the needs of our cast and crews in a positive calm environment where everyone is headed toward the same goal and everyone loves what they are doing. We definitely lose sight of that here and that does need to change.
6. You're a rockstar. Don't let anyone tell you any differently.
Reading this was like you were taking straight sentences from my brain. I think we are all feeling this at some level. You are not alone. I love you.
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